You either hate 'em or you love 'em. Now that is usually the case with Mondays. But when it comes to Wednesdays? Maybe not. Are you the person is upset that the week is half over? Or are you glad that the weekend is rolling in?
I enjoy Wednesdays (mostly because class is shorter), but they are also a night where I have free time. Now, today on this Wednesday, I don't exactly have "free" time. I'm pretty logged up with calculus and computer science homework, but even with that crazy bundle, I still am enjoying the day.
Today a friend spoke to me. I call them my evil twin because we always get confused with each other. We do look quite a bit alike other than the height difference. They are a bit taller than me, but not by much. Before today, they were not "they" to me. I was honestly surprised, but not so surprised that I was shocked.
I said to them, "Wow. We really are evil twins." While I do not identify with they/them pronouns, I still understood the situation for the most part. So I thought that was really neat. We continued to talk for a bit, and then afterwards, we agreed to try and go by each others' "new" names and pronouns.
My story will be saved for some other time, but I cannot express my moment of happiness for said friend, especially since I knew nothing of the situation beforehand. One reason I think they were comfortable telling me is because they could also sense how I am, and they also knew I am not much for judging in the gender/sexual spectrum. (However, if you are really dumb, I judge pretty darn hard.)
So not only was it a great Wednesday to start off with, it became even better. I gotta say, you either love 'em or you hate 'em. ;)
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
Confusing Thoughts
Hey! It's Benjamin again, and today I'm writing about confusing thoughts. It is kind of a good topic for today because last night I kept myself up for quite some time.
Now my confusing thoughts vary a lot per night. Sometimes there are many topics my brain tends to go about, and other nights, I focus on one. One common topic I find myself regarding is gender. It is such an odd thing, and I ask myself all the time: am I faking who I am?
Good question. I have no idea. I am a guy at heart, and a guy for the most part in the brain, but some days, my actual body comes back to bite me. This is where I ask myself, am I really Benz? Am I really Benjamin? Or am I Benjamin Alexis, my "real" name being Alexis. Real name, meaning, given at birth name.
One reason I ask if I'm being real is because of the way I look and the way others see me. They all perceive me as a female, which is not right. My longish hair won't be able to be cut until June. That is five months away. And even then, I might still not get it cut. To me, a haircut is important. To others, it is just another trend.
Another thing that has been bothering me recently is my friendship with a few particular beings. I won't name them off, but some make me worried, others make me a bit scared, and the rest make me wonder. If you can't tell, I have "a lot of time" on my hands. I really don't, but I think and think and think until things go screwy in my brain. Some of these friends I am afraid of because I don't know what would happen if I got close to them. My brain has almost trained itself to shut down whenever I feel as if there are certain things I need to talk about, i.e.: gender.
This is quite a vicious cycle, and maybe I need a therapist. I probably do, but that would involve parental help, and that kind of help isn't the easiest to get. So I will continue to express myself here. Perhaps tonight my brain will be less vicious, and I will fall asleep at a nice time.
Thanks.
Now my confusing thoughts vary a lot per night. Sometimes there are many topics my brain tends to go about, and other nights, I focus on one. One common topic I find myself regarding is gender. It is such an odd thing, and I ask myself all the time: am I faking who I am?
Good question. I have no idea. I am a guy at heart, and a guy for the most part in the brain, but some days, my actual body comes back to bite me. This is where I ask myself, am I really Benz? Am I really Benjamin? Or am I Benjamin Alexis, my "real" name being Alexis. Real name, meaning, given at birth name.
One reason I ask if I'm being real is because of the way I look and the way others see me. They all perceive me as a female, which is not right. My longish hair won't be able to be cut until June. That is five months away. And even then, I might still not get it cut. To me, a haircut is important. To others, it is just another trend.
Another thing that has been bothering me recently is my friendship with a few particular beings. I won't name them off, but some make me worried, others make me a bit scared, and the rest make me wonder. If you can't tell, I have "a lot of time" on my hands. I really don't, but I think and think and think until things go screwy in my brain. Some of these friends I am afraid of because I don't know what would happen if I got close to them. My brain has almost trained itself to shut down whenever I feel as if there are certain things I need to talk about, i.e.: gender.
This is quite a vicious cycle, and maybe I need a therapist. I probably do, but that would involve parental help, and that kind of help isn't the easiest to get. So I will continue to express myself here. Perhaps tonight my brain will be less vicious, and I will fall asleep at a nice time.
Thanks.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Hello!
My name is Benjamin, Benz or Benny for short. And I write. A lot.
I'm in a small town in Canada-Minnesota, and I have been writing since third grade. Now how long has that been? It's been almost been a good ten years.
Recently, I've been working on finishing my novel, Catenasque: Chains Can't Hold Me. I'm currently editing through the whole deal, and then hopefully, I will have it ready for publishing in a few months. I will be posting a summary and updates of it throughout my blog.
Another piece I've been working on is Loss of the Innocents. I figure I'm going to change the name of it to something that rolls a little smoother off the tongue. This shorter story is based off of a wild dream I had one night (will not spoil it for you).
Lastly, I had a piece that I started, and I am not going to finish it. This is where the blog is coming into play. I had a book I started called: Benz, the Witch Hunter. However, I didn't quite feel right when I was writing it. I was turning myself into a fairytale, and that was very off. I felt wrong. Now, Benz isn't exactly my real name. It is my chosen (you could almost say pen) name, which I will go further into detail in a later post.
Once you start writing about yourself, you start to give yourself personality traits that don't quite match up with what you are actually like. You start to get rid of your bad traits. Now, I kept myself quite how I am: a bit paranoid, angry, and salty. I also kept my rough sense of humor, my smart wits, and my caring for friends. Yet I was unhappy with the piece. It was all just a fairytale.
Why you might ask? I'm not sure I want to say quite yet, but you try writing about yourself and look where you'll be. You'll be a story. A fake. All you want is to stop pretending. Or were you pretending in the first place? In that case, do you really want to stop?
I want to stop being just a story. I need to be me, but I'm being restricted not only by parents, but myself. I need to stop writing myself into a fairytale that can never be true. And here on this blog is where I can be free.
I'm in a small town in Canada-Minnesota, and I have been writing since third grade. Now how long has that been? It's been almost been a good ten years.
Recently, I've been working on finishing my novel, Catenasque: Chains Can't Hold Me. I'm currently editing through the whole deal, and then hopefully, I will have it ready for publishing in a few months. I will be posting a summary and updates of it throughout my blog.
Another piece I've been working on is Loss of the Innocents. I figure I'm going to change the name of it to something that rolls a little smoother off the tongue. This shorter story is based off of a wild dream I had one night (will not spoil it for you).
Lastly, I had a piece that I started, and I am not going to finish it. This is where the blog is coming into play. I had a book I started called: Benz, the Witch Hunter. However, I didn't quite feel right when I was writing it. I was turning myself into a fairytale, and that was very off. I felt wrong. Now, Benz isn't exactly my real name. It is my chosen (you could almost say pen) name, which I will go further into detail in a later post.
Once you start writing about yourself, you start to give yourself personality traits that don't quite match up with what you are actually like. You start to get rid of your bad traits. Now, I kept myself quite how I am: a bit paranoid, angry, and salty. I also kept my rough sense of humor, my smart wits, and my caring for friends. Yet I was unhappy with the piece. It was all just a fairytale.
Why you might ask? I'm not sure I want to say quite yet, but you try writing about yourself and look where you'll be. You'll be a story. A fake. All you want is to stop pretending. Or were you pretending in the first place? In that case, do you really want to stop?
I want to stop being just a story. I need to be me, but I'm being restricted not only by parents, but myself. I need to stop writing myself into a fairytale that can never be true. And here on this blog is where I can be free.
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