Confusing Thoughts

Hey! It's Benjamin again, and today I'm writing about confusing thoughts. It is kind of a good topic for today because last night I kept myself up for quite some time.

Now my confusing thoughts vary a lot per night. Sometimes there are many topics my brain tends to go about, and other nights, I focus on one. One common topic I find myself regarding is gender. It is such an odd thing, and I ask myself all the time: am I faking who I am?

Good question. I have no idea. I am a guy at heart, and a guy for the most part in the brain, but some days, my actual body comes back to bite me. This is where I ask myself, am I really Benz? Am I really Benjamin? Or am I Benjamin Alexis, my "real" name being Alexis. Real name, meaning, given at birth name.

One reason I ask if I'm being real is because of the way I look and the way others see me. They all perceive me as a female, which is not right. My longish hair won't be able to be cut until June. That is five months away. And even then, I might still not get it cut. To me, a haircut is important. To others, it is just another trend.

Another thing that has been bothering me recently is my friendship with a few particular beings. I won't name them off, but some make me worried, others make me a bit scared, and the rest make me wonder. If you can't tell, I have "a lot of time" on my hands. I really don't, but I think and think and think until things go screwy in my brain. Some of these friends I am afraid of because I don't know what would happen if I got close to them. My brain has almost trained itself to shut down whenever I feel as if there are certain things I need to talk about, i.e.: gender.

This is quite a vicious cycle, and maybe I need a therapist. I probably do, but that would involve parental help, and that kind of help isn't the easiest to get. So I will continue to express myself here. Perhaps tonight my brain will be less vicious, and I will fall asleep at a nice time.

Thanks.